Top Five - Number Three: Meet the Moron

For the last two years, the great state of Ohio has made every sophomore student in its school systems take the OGT – the Ohio Graduation Test. In order to graduate, every student must pass this test. Obviously, we could get into quite the discussion on whether sophomores should be taking this test, the merits of the test itself, the havoc it has caused with many a high school’s curriculum, and all the other pedagological issues that surround it. But we’re not here for that. We’re here for #3.

The moron.

I don’t have another name for him or for what he did. Unlike Jack and Shane and their somewhat intellectually challenged antics, the Moron did something simply idiotic. Bordering on the should-get-you-kicked-out-of-school-for-being-dumb. Something I actually had to – are you ready? – punish.

One of the OGT tests the students have to take is on writing. They are required to write two separate essays during the course of the test, each in response to a provided prompt. The prompts are of the typically “test” variety, usually focusing on some sort of opinion question, aimed toward seeing whether Moron and his ilk can actually have an opinion and back it up. My job is to make sure my students understand the sorts of things the OGT graders are going to be looking for, so they have the best chance to succeed. To that end, I showed them sample questions and responses, along with actual graded responses from last year’s test.

“I’m going to give you some rules of thumb,” I said. “These are basic guidelines you should follow to make sure you don’t sabotage your score. Always write two pages. That should give the graders plenty of evidence that you know what you’re doing.” Nods all around the room. “Always stay on topic. Don’t wander off into a discussion of what you had for breakfast.” More nods. “And whatever you do, make sure your answers are appropriate.”

“What does that mean?” I was asked.

“Well,” I said, “take the sample question we looked at about whether you believe there should be drug testing for high school athletes.” I popped that one back up on the projector. “Don’t decide to be funny or, in some cases, honest, and write that you don’t believe athletes should be tested because then your coach’ll find out about your four joints a day weed habit and kick you off the team. Or because you’re on the ‘roids and then you won’t be able to bitch slap anybody during the next game when your ‘roid rage gets out of hand.” They laughed but they got it. “Basically, don’t write anything that would get you detention.”

I informed them that I would be out of school the next Tuesday and that on that day, they would be taking a practice OGT writing test. Two prompts, two essays, due by the end of class. “And,” I stressed, “I will be grading them.”

Their two prompts:

1. Should the driving age be raised from 16 to 18?
2. Should we go to a year round school calendar?


Enter Moron.

I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t really grade them as hard as I should have. It was a lot of paperwork. I got behind. I had a new baby at home who believed sleep was for the weak and so I was bleary eyed and punch drunk and mostly skimmed most of the essays. Until my skimming eyes passed over one word in Moron’s work.

Bullshit.

OK, time to take a closer look. And then marvel at the stupidity.

Turns out that Moron had some very definite opinions on both topics.

On raising the driving age – count him as a NO. Allowing 16 year olds to drive was important because otherwise they would be dependent on parents to get them to any number of activities. But, he said, even more important than that was that 16 year olds need to be able to drive so they can go get beer on their own. And pick up chicks. Because:

“Beer is good. Chicks dig beer. And guys dig chicks. Sometimes even chicks dig chicks So, kids need to be able to drive for beer runs and chicks. MMMMM….. beer. MMMM… chicks.”

His take on the year round school was even better. It focused primarily on the idea that year round school would lead to a higher suicide rate among students because they would be deprived of the time off needed for – you guessed it – beer runs and chicks (he didn’t specify if he meant straight chicks or lesbians). And, then the highlight of the entire thing:

“Besides, we don’t learn anything anyway. All teachers do is assign bullshit busywork so they can do their own stuff instead of teaching us. Teachers get paid way too much as it is for the fucking bullshit they do now.”

I’ll allow you a moment to let that sink in.

Got it? Good.

So, clearly, I had no alternative. I dropped a zero on Moron, immediately failing him for the quarter. And I sent home a photocopy of his essays with a letter for his mom and dad to sign, or else I would turn in a Report of Misconduct to the principal and Mommy and Daddy Moron could talk to him.

Moron was appropriately contrite, explaining that he thought it was busy work and if he had known it was for a grade he would never have done such a thing. He was a good kid, after all.

The last day of the year – their final exam day – during another student’s final presentation, Moron pulled his shirt off and sat bare chested in my classroom, giggling with two of his buddies.

I leave you with one last thought to ponder and fear – this is only #3.