Top Five Bonus: A "Teacher" Moment

     Previously, I shared a Top Five Stupidest Students Moment, reminiscing about a less than brilliant moment of my own.  Now allow me to share with you a truly special moment – the Top Five Bonus: Stupidest Teacher Moment.  It came just this past year, at the expense of one of our own Never Finish commentators – he who is known as Schloto-Monster.  Otherwise known as Fatty McFatFat.

     You see FMFF and I “teach” in the same school (I use the quotes only for him.  I don’t teach.  I inspire.).  And since last year’s fall raffle when we started a faux feud to try and get our classes to raise more money, we’ve been going back and forth with pranks and insults.  He puts me as answer to a quiz question (Q:  What is the ninth level of hell?  A:  Heisler’s class), I imply he has a sexual relationship with one of our common students (did I mention we teach in an all boy’s school?).  Silly little teasing like that.

     The kids eat it up.  The ones who like me readily join in on teasing FMFF.  The ones that like him… well… there was that one.  And then they got caught spending too much time together behind closed doors and… well…

     We’re polar opposites.  He’s a right wing conservative, I’m a middle of the road’er with a slight liberal lean.  He loves the outdoors.  I think of the outdoors as that thing I have to go through to get back inside.  He’s Fatty McFatFat.  I’m Slim Goodbody.  You can see why there might be a little healthy competition.  But it’s all in good fun (he’s sure to retaliate for this on his own blog – see Jason’s Space link to the right – and I’m sure it’ll be moderately, sort of, not really funny).  No harm done.

     Except for the porn.

     One of the best things about our school is that we have a laptop program.  That means every student and every teacher (or inspirer in my case) is provided with a laptop (I’m typing this on mine).  And one of the best tricks I’ve learned during my time here is the Old Homepage Switch.  I picked it up from my senior class two years ago.  Whenever one of them left the room, someone else would immediately go to his laptop, pop open his Internet Explorer, and change his homepage.  Usually to something dirty, disgusting, or both.  Gay porn pages were a popular choice along with a site that, inexplicably, had only a photo of three frighteningly old men sitting naked in a tub with each other.  The perpetrator would then shut down IE and wait for the computer’s owner to return and the fun to begin.

     So you can probably guess what came to my mind when FMFF left me alone with his laptop in the faculty lounge.  

     Originally, I simply thought I’d send his browser to WeightWatchers.com.  At the last minute, I decided to do something more.  I changed his homepage.  I admit, my imagination failed me a bit at that point.  The best I could come up with was BigWhiteAsses.com.  Not my best work, I know.  But just then FMFF returned to the lounge and ushered me away from his computer with a girly cry.  

     I left, had myself a manly laugh and thought no more of it.  I assumed he had caught me, known what I was doing, and changed things back.  And that was what I continued to think for the next several days.  Then, three days later, during one of my sophomore English classes, I got my first inkling that something was amiss.

     One of my little buggers:  “Did you put porn on Mr. McFatFat’s computer?”

     Originally, I said no.  Then I thought about it.  “Maybe,” I said.  “Why?”

     And so he shared the story with me.  FMFF had been doing a “lesson” on something historical (he’s a social studies “teacher”).  He wanted to use some visual aids so he hooked the computer to the projector and opened up Internet Explorer so he could do a Google image search.  He was expecting to see the familiar school homepage.

     He saw Big White Asses (.com).  On the big screen.  For the whole room to see.

     He stuttered.  He stammered.  He blamed me.

     Yet, he took a suspiciously long time to close the image.

     I’ll give FMFF credit.  He did try to fight back.  When I was absent a week later, he enlisted that same student that “liked” him to help fill my desk with shredded paper.  Of course, I don’t use my desk and really compared to Big White Asses, shredded paper is just… shredded paper.

     But it’s OK, FMFF.  You’ll have your chance.  Someday.